i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
