im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
