Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
