so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
