Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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