My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
