im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
