I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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