I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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