She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
