That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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