Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
