I'm going to jail i love you
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
