Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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