My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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