how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
