Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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