Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
