just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
