i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
