apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
