sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Floor bacon is actually really good
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
