Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
