Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
