ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
