How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You took a bar mat shot.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
