She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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