Umm I'm too high to move.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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