You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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