My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm jealous of your bromance
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
