Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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