i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
