I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
