just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
