I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
