I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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