Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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