the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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