I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
