I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
