well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
