oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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