My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
