What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
