Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
