i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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