new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
