i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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