I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
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I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
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Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i think im in europe. pls send help
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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