I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
