so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
In America we eat man semen.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
