Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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