my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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