I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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