covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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