did you get engaged???
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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