Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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