I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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